A little more than a week ago—I’m sure you recall–I wrote a Wyattevans.com exclusive entitled, The “Sugah Daddy’s” Playbook (or Sumthin’ Like Dat), based on a recent Queerty article on intergenerational dating. That article gave tips on “being the best daddy for your boy.”
Well, guess what? You readers made The “Sugah Daddy’s” Playbook one of the most popular Wyattevans.com articles—and one of the most talked about! And I thank you for that.
As a result, I swore I’d flip the script by sharing Queerty’s “Six Pro Tips for Being a Good Daddy’s Boy” as soon as it was released. And to flesh out that media outlet’s piece and give it fuller meaning, I promised I’d provide analysis and commentary.
But before I do that, let’s review exactly what intergenerational dating is. It’s dating outside your age group. Generally, it’s at least a 10-year difference between couples.
Keep in mind that intergenerational dating and relationships have always existed. However, according to “Are Intergenerational Gay Couples a New Trend in Dating,” a Bilerico.com article from last year, these relationships “…do seem to be more common these days. One reason might be the shift towards more conservative, traditional views of couplehood. Now that we can get married in so many states, now that we can adopt children, now that we can bear children on our own, gay males are without question settling into more stable ways of dating, expressing our love, and getting into relationships.”
The media outlet added, “There is a great hunger on the part of many gay men to be in stable, loving relationships and this just might be a driving force behind the possible rise in intergenerational couples.”
Now, to my analysis/commentary. As I mentioned in The “Sugah Daddy’s” Playbook, I take umbrage to the use of the word “boy.” Younger partner/guy/man is more appropriate.
As well, too much subservience and neediness are ascribed to the younger partner for my taste. For instance, I know a few intergenerational couples in which the younger man is the more emotionally evolved/secure. The more dominant. The more financially secure.
However I agree with the publication’s assertion that younger guys have “figured out something that most gays take decades to realize: experience is sexy, and smart older guys can teach you things you never knew you never knew.”
And this is very important: you’ll see that actually, BOTH the younger and the older man need to take these tips, pointers, guidelines to heart.
So, in conclusion: I found that the tips for being “a good daddy’s boy” resonated more–and were more relevant–than those for “being the best daddy for your boy.” However, you be the judge.
Now, here are those tips—right outta Queerty’s mouth! Listen: as I said before, if you don’t like the info, don’t shoot me! I’m simply the messenger. (LOL.) However, do feel free to give Yours Truly your feedback.
[To Note: the accompanying photo is of UMass NCAA B-Baller Derrick Gordon (right) and actor-screenwriter Gerald McCullouch—an openly gay intergenerational.]
- Be honest. What are your intentions? What do you want out of this relationship? Be up-front and honest at the start of the relationship. That way you can both make sure you’re on the same page. Maybe one of you is looking for a fling while the other wants to settle down—well, you’d better make sure that’s clear before things get too far. Intergenerational relationships are particularly prone to mismatched expectations, so you’re better off clearing the air from the start. (And remember: expectations can change over time, so a periodic check-in is advisable.)
- No more games. Older guys have learned the value of being direct and honoring their word. They’re far less likely than your flakey young friends to play mind games or manipulate, and they’ll respect you if you follow through on your commitments. Being considerate is the key.
- Think like a daddy. If you’re looking for a daddy, go where daddies go. (‘Nuff said.)
- He deserves your respect. Being young doesn’t make you special, so don’t think that your pretty soft skin makes you more important than he is. A successful intergenerational couple enjoys mutual respect, even if he can’t figure out how to program his DVR. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that he needs you more than you need him. And don’t think that just because he’s more financially successful than you are, you’re entitled to his cash. Let him decide whether he’s going to treat you to dinner. Acknowledge it when he does something nice. And if you can’t match him, dollar for dollar, you can still do nice things for him that don’t cost money.
- It’s OK to be you. Being the younger guy can sometimes feel a little marginalizing. His advanced knowledge, success and poise might discourage you, or make you feel stupid and small. But hey, you have nothing to apologize for. It’s OK that you’re still young. So don’t think of your youth and inexperience as a liability. Don’t deprive yourself of doing young-person things, watching young-person shows, and hanging out with your young friends. Remember, those are the very things that attracted him to you in the first place. If he wants to cut you off from your life and isolate you,
- Let him surprise you. You might have a lot of pre-conceived ideas about what a daddy is. And to be fair, a lot of those stereotypes are true: older guys are often more genteel, worldlier, and more in-control. But they’re also full of surprises, and you might discover that your daddy can be as silly and playful as your 20-year-old friends. He might even—gasp—be a bottom. Don’t assume anything. Ask him what he likes.
- Don’t let him take advantage. Sometimes, it’s hard to define the boundary between a fun power play and an unhealthy relationship. If your daddy is asking too much of you, taking more control over your life than you want him to, or being condescending, let him know. Remember, you should be in a relationship because it makes you both happy—not just to make him
So you guys, both younger and older, and older and younger—shake yo’ groove thang (Oh, Lawd! Am I dating myself…that is, as in the age department?), and go on and git busy, with yo’ baddddd selves! LOL.
Very interesting and lots of good info!!!!
Hello Wyatt Evans,
I found this article beautiful and insightful. Thank you..
I have been in a few intergenerational relationships. In each one learning more about myself and others better. My first was 25 years older than me and I was learning about the world and where I fitted in, in society. I was in my 20’s then and I knew nothing about the world straight or gay back then. My second was 20 years older and that seemed to be about learning about equality, like how to voice my option and not let him keep saying that I know better. The third was more intense with power struggles and self acceptance. So we fought a lot and sex was very heated with passion but we argued so much we couldn’t agree on anything.
Now with my current partner of 7 years I feel we are a match.. I think I took on those steps that you have pointed out from the beginning and it has helped us with being ourselves and enjoying each other as a couple. I feel loved by him and I know I love him too. I am older and a little wiser. knowing we are not perfect people but perfect beings.
Well that is it from me.. Again thank you for your work. Kind regards Charles
I have just re-tweeted this to a big group in London UK.
There are some vital points made in this article. I can’t help but feel in this era, that issues are made out of everything in America. When I was eighteen years of age, I met the love of my life, and we spent the next 20 years together. He was far older than me, and it made no difference to him or me. Nor did it generate shock among my friends at College, at work or in my family. Why is loving someone such an issue in the USA, unless they are seen/read and ‘kin’ that is to say, well matched because they are VIRTUALLY the same?
My love and I were complete opposites. Yet, we got on with almost no major fights within our twenty years. There is a distinctly manufactured absurdity about living life according to the populous in the USA. Crikey, it leaves me cold. Ok, a word to the wise here. When you meet the right man, behave yourself and treasure the life you are responsible for making. Remind yourself how you felt when you were alone or unloved and make it a part of how you tell your man you want to be treated, and how you treat him. Consideration of his and your humanity I believe is the key to getting along with each other and discovering his grace and strength as well as your own.
There was once a time when I used to look up to America as a leader in mapping out our collective consciousness. In this age, the 21st century; that is no longer possible. Whilst I’d never date a 20-year-old because they are entirely unprepared for a sophisticated and intellectual relationship with a self-made man who negotiates with life; I would date a thirty-year-old. However, he would probably not be an American because the impact of racial perception in the States is so pervasive I wouldn’t tolerate his ignorance.
Dr Martin Patrick M.A. of London
Thanks for taking the time to make such in-depth and insightful comments., and for sharing your very personal experience. I totally concur!