Quite a few years ago, I was on a first date with a rather “hawt” (hot) guy. At the end, I offered, “We should get together again soon.” Dryly, he answered, “Sure thing.”
However, I never heard from him again—although I left several voice mails.
This was yet another in a succession of first dates—and a few seconds–that crashed and burned. And on hindsight, I realized I’d shown too little self-confidence and wanted too much to be liked.
Therefore, I took a “dating sabbatical.” During that time, I saw a therapist, read articles on dating and relationships, and analyzed similar mishaps my friends had experienced.
All of this led me to the critical realization that being respected is more important than being liked.
So after mixing these “ingredients” together, I created a winning formula—and began to have productive and enjoyable dating experiences!
So, are you ready to go from “Date Night to that ‘First Night’ to Every Night: Achieving Relationship Success?” Then, let’s roll!
Writer Jerry Plaza pointed out various dating mistakes one should never make. The following are the ones to avoid at all costs:
- “Trying to be likeable.” Allow your kindness of spirit to shine on its own.
- “Talking too much about your past relationships.” That’s such a major turn-off.
- “Making yourself too available.” When you do this, you come across as needy. Both you and the individual have separate lives that need attention.
- “Agreeing with everything he/she says.” This leads to a lack of respect. Don’t be anyone’s doormat.
- “Buying affection.” Are you looking for a companion….or an escort? If you pay for everything, you’re giving the individual carte blanche to walk all over you.
- “Rewarding bad behavior.” Just don’t do it! You must clearly communicate that rude behavior is unacceptable–and simply won’t be tolerated. You are someone of value.
- “Playing the ‘boy/girlfriend’ too early.” This is a sure-fire way of making him/her “run for the hills.”
Along with that, make sure you do your “SOS” (Scoping-Out Scan). When conducting SOS, you’re listening intently and evaluating body language. Heed any warning signals.
Now, this leads to what I call “The Nasty Nine”–dating types you need to stay away from like the plague! Some of them overlap. They are:
- The Drama Queen (DQ). The whiner. The complainer. Something’s always going on with him/her.
- The Self-Absorbed (SA). It’s all about him/her—and always will be.
- The Wishy-Washy (WW). Just what does he/she want: monogamy? An open relationship? Just “hit it and quit it?”
- The Gamester (GAME). He/she obfuscates, and twists reality. It’s all about the hunt, and you’re the “catch of the day.”
- The Baggage Carrier (BC). And I don’t mean the luggage rack! He/she has serious internal issues, constantly talking about being hurt, yada yada yada.
- The Chasee (TC). He/she wants you to do all the pursuing.
- The Worshipped/Serviced (WS). Bow to the shrine, which is his/her stunning looks and/or physique. Bodybuilders tend to fall into this category.
- The Putter-Downer (PD). He/she needles, ridicules, and finds fault with your lifestyle–and your very essence. “Why are you wearing THAT?”, “Why do you live THERE?” You should say, “Why don’t you get the hell away from me?”
- The User (TU). The Vulture. The Shark. Duplicitous. Malicious. Amoral.
Congrats! You’ve been triumphant. You have the relationship you want.
Now–how do you feed, grow…and keep it alive?
Well, allow me to present my essential “Six Commandments to Achieve Successful, Satisfying Relationships:”
- Each partner honestly, openly and effectively communicates with one another. This leads to staying engaged in each other’s life.
- Each partner manages conflict constructively. The key is “Right-Fighting:” being open to compromise, no fighting “below the belt.”
- Each partner functions as part of a couple without losing his/her individuality. Both of you had separate lives before coming together. Strike that right balance.
- Have BIG fun together! No explanation needed.
- Each partner does his/her part to maintain an energetic, vibrant and ultimately satisfying sex life. Be adventurous, be kinky!
- The mission of each partner must be to satisfy the needs of the other. If not, the unsatisfied individual will seek gratification elsewhere. Every day ask, “What can I do to make my partner’s life better?”
Now, let’s say you’ve been a couple for a while, and you’re frustrated that the “Fiy-ah Factor”(desire and passion) has all but dissipated. You’re worried that your relationship might die on the vine.
What do you do?
I’ve got the answer! It’s the “Evans Edict,” my six-part plan to get your union back on the right track. Ready? Here goes:
(1) Create a relationship ritual. Set in stone a commitment of time to be together that’s non-negotiable.
(2) Be adventurous, be spontaneous. Do something you both have never done as a couple—boxing, sky diving, etc. “Do the do” at different times, in different places.
(3) Talk that “nastee” (salaciously sexy) talk. Leave salacious voicemails on your partner’s iPhone. Tuck provocative notes inside the briefcase. Devise a pet name (“Mr. Woody,” “Ms. Kitty Kat”) for your partner’s…well, you know.
(4) Get “kin-kay” (kinky). Together, visit your friendly sex store for…well, you know.
(5) Introduce role-play and fantasy. Tonight, are you a fireman? A French maid?
(6) Have a “Quickie!” Spontaneous sex reminds a couple they’re more than roommates. It’s not the “full treatment,” but it’ll tide you over.
Always let your partner know that he/she is very much sexually attractive, desired…and needed.
And most importantly, loved. (Passionately! )
Excellent. And I might add something I learned from my elders: “The things you said and did to get him/her are the things you must keep right on saying and doing to keep him/her.”