I Really Thought He Loved Me!

October is designated National Domestic Violence Awareness Month (NDVAM). In the LGBTQ+ community, domestic violence and abuse is known as Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A).

My previous IPV/A articles for Wyattevans.com and Qstack (the LGBTQIA+ Community of Substacks) focused on Separation Violence and Abuse (SVA), which can be the most dangerous point in a dysfunctional relationship.

One of the most pervasive and entrenched misconceptions regarding IPV/A is that victims will be safe if they could just leave their abusers. However, leaving doesn’t necessarily put an end to the violence and abuse. That’s when SVA begins.

That’s precisely what happened to thirty-something Malik, an African American professional in the federal government. His abusive partner, T.J., also Black, was a powerfully built security guard in his late twenties.

According to Malik, he suffered horrific emotional, mental, and physical abuse at the hands of T. J. for more than two years.

A few years ago, in our interview, Malik bravely shared his harrowing and heartbreaking experience with IPV/A, with SVA hard on the heels of it. Fortunately for Malik, he made it through the storm. (He no longer resides in metro D.C.)

Wyatt: Malik, thank you so much for agreeing to share your essential story with us.

Malik: Sure, Wyatt. Glad to be of help.

Wyatt: So, Malik, let’s begin here: when and how did you meet T. J.?

Malik: Oh, I remember it well! (Light flickering in his captivating eyes.) He was hired as a security guard at my D.C. agency. I came to work one February morning, and he was there.

Wyatt: What were your initial impressions of him?

Malik: Gawd, Wyatt! It was like this instant, organic attraction! T.J. was so masculine, dominant, and commanding. He’d served in the military and had that “daddy thang” goin’ on! The attraction, the chemistry between us, was instantaneous! It was like, “booyah!” Know what I mean?

Wyatt: Oh, I feel ya.

Malik: People talk about my eyes. But his were, like, sharp, probing, and penetrating! Simply mesmerizing.

Wyatt: What happened next?

Malik: Oh, how I fought the attraction! But only for a little bit. (Smiling.) He got off on flirting with me—coolly, strategically, discreetly. Eventually, I did a little of it myself. Hell, I couldn’t wait to see him when I entered and exited the building.

Wyatt: Whoa! So, who finally made the real first move?

Malik: (Chuckling.) T. J. did! Usually, there was another guard with him at the post. However, one Friday at lunch, about three weeks after we’d first laid eyes on each other, he was solo for a few minutes. And, I was the only person walking towards him.

Wyatt: I see.

Malik: Wyatt, the brotha used those few minutes quite well! Getting close to me, he whispered, “Let’s stop the games. Since we’re both attracted to one another, let’s get to know each other much better.” Then he winked. To say the least, I turned red in the face.

Malik: Quickly looking around and without missing a beat, T.J. added, “Before somebody else walks up, write down your digits. I’ll buzz ya tonight.” Instead of just giving me his number, he demanded mine. The whole thing was like, “Boom, boom, boom!” But I loved it.

Wyatt: Did he actually call?

Malik: He did that night. We had a long conversation in which we seemed to have a lot in common. I also learned that he was a Vet, having done a tour in Afghanistan. After that, he floated from job to job…I could tell he was a bit lost, lacking direction, and was trying to find his way. He said that college didn’t interest him. Eventually, he got that security job.

Wyatt: Any red flags?

Malik: No, not really. But maybe it should have been. I thought to myself, “He IS working. And who knows? I just might be able to help him ‘find himself’, and inspire him to reach his fullest potential.”

Malik: (Quickly adding:) I was just sooooo turned on by T.J.’s masculinity, his forcefulness, his dominance! I’m into those types of guys who have that daddy vibe going on. His body and good looks significantly contributed to his appeal.

Malik: And I was emotionally needy.

Wyatt: Perpetrators of Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse pick up on that immediately–and exploit the hell out of it! So, what happened next?

Malik: T.J. told me that we’d have lunch the next afternoon, that Saturday. He didn’t give me a choice! I liked his take-charge attitude.

Wyatt: How did that first date turn out?

Malik: I was nervous as hell in the beginning! I waited for him in the lobby. He was about 20 minutes late. I didn’t know what was up; no call, no text.

Wyatt: He didn’t show?

Malik: Actually, he did! However, he did not explain his tardiness. T.J. just walked up to me, gave me a sly smile, and ushered me to the reservation person. I began to sweat, and my knees started to shake as we walked to our table.

Wyatt: Dang.

Malik: Soon, though, he put me at ease! And Wyatt, T.J., smelled good and looked good, showing off his muscles! I was hooked.

Wyatt: And?

Malik: It was incredible! And boy, did he serve up the sexual innuendos.

Wyatt: And?

Malik: After the meal, he said, “Yo. Let’s go to your place to get ‘better acquainted’.” And with a wink, he added, “Don’t cha think it’s time?” I agreed. And guess what?

Wyatt: What?

Malik: He squeezed my ass in the parking lot.

Wyatt: Oh, oh.

Malik: Of course, we ended up in bed! The sex—the lovemaking—was passionate and red-hot! Simply mind-blowing.

Wyatt: And the aftermath?

Malik: I told T.J. that I was NOT into booty calls; that at the very least, I was looking for just one guy as a regular sex buddy. He claimed that he was on the same page.

Malik: (Sighing and shaking his head.) But meeting T.J. soon proved to be the worst mistake of my life.

Up Next: Part Two, “The Honeymoon Phase.”

My website has a special IPV/A section with resources to assist victims and survivors. www.wyattevans.com/ipva/

And if you or someone you know is experiencing Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A), call: