I Really Thought He Loved Me! Part Two

October is designated National Domestic Violence Awareness Month (NDVAM). In the LGBTQ+ community, domestic violence and abuse is known as Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A).

My last several posts focused on Separation Violence and Abuse, which can be the most dangerous point in a dysfunctional relationship.

One of the most pervasive and entrenched misconceptions regarding IPV/A is that victims will be safe if they could just leave their abusers. However, leaving doesn’t necessarily stop the violence and abuse. That’s when Separation Violence and Abuse, or SVA, begins.

Last time we met, I introduced you to Malik, a 30-something African American professional in the federal government. His abusive partner, T.J., also Black, was a powerfully built security guard in his late twenties.

According to Malik, he suffered horrific emotional, mental, and physical abuse at the hands of T. J. for more than two years.

A few years ago, in our interview, Malik bravely shared his harrowing and heartbreaking experience with IPV/A, with SVA hard on the heels of it. Fortunately for Malik, he made it through the storm. (He no longer resides in metro D.C.)

My previous post stated how the couple met, bonded emotionally and sexually, and began the honeymoon phase of their relationship. Let’s resume our conversation.

Wyatt: Alright. You guys were in what we call the Honeymoon Phase.

Malik: (As he laughs out loud, his captivating hazel eyes light up.) Correct! Man, things between us were great! The sex got hotter and hotter! It became a freakin’ drug.

Malik: T. J. was attentive. We enjoyed doing things together, etc., etc. I saw relationship potential.

Wyatt: How did you both handle working at the same job site?

Malik: We were cool! Extremely. Kept it all on the DL—we made sure no one knew what was up.

Wyatt: Malik, at some point during the honeymoon period, the abuser starts to reveal his true self. When did that happen to you?

Malik: About three months in.

Wyatt: Malik, thinking back, what were some signs?

Malik: Here we go: if I went out to lunch, T.J. asked me where I was going, constantly calling and texting. Keeping tabs on me. After work, he wanted me with him nearly 24/7.

Malik: He also began isolating me from family and friends. He “suggested” how I should think and act, and what to wear.

Malik: When you think about it, it was like mind-control! And he was so slick about it all! It was a fucking brilliant strategy.

Malik: (His eyes fogging up.) But I liked it and felt flattered—at first. You see, I believed he was demonstrating his love. I kept saying to myself, “Damn! I’m so lucky that this guy wants me and is so into me.” I was becoming his possession.

Malik: Wyatt, I was so emotionally needy! You see, I’m HIV-positive. Thankfully, I’m healthy and undetectable. Over and over, I thought, “Wow! This hot, masculine, HIV-Neg brotha wants me, even though I have the virus!” So, I became very anxious to please him and found myself agreeing to much of everything he said and did.

Wyatt: Classic IPV/A.

Malik: (He shakes his head, trying to stop weeping.) I know, I know! When I look back at it, I feel fucking horrible.

Wyatt: Things escalated, correct?

Malik: Yes. T. J. said he was having financial difficulties, was months behind in his rent, and they were going to kick him out. So, I moved him in with me. (Pause.) But actually, it was more manipulation and coercion on his part. Worst decision I could’ve ever made.

Malik: As T. J. expressed excessive jealousy towards my family and friends, the isolation intensified. He insulted my intelligence—I realized he was jealous of my position at work. He humiliated me regularly, calling me all kinds of derogatory names. He’d yell at me constantly. Controlled my spending.

Malik: (He’s breaking down now.) In fact, I was his property! The situation was nuts, just cray-cray! I felt like such a loser, felt so powerless. So worthless! I was deeply depressed.

Wyatt: Easy, Malik. Take your time.

Malik: The MoFo pressured me into sex! He’d make me do stuff I really didn’t wanna do, that, you know, made my skin crawl…”

Wyatt: T. J. threatened to out your HIV status, correct?

Malik: On numerous occasions.

Wyatt: Malik, how did that make you feel?

Malik: (Inhaling.) Absolutely petrified! He knew that would keep me in line.

Wyatt: When did physical violence and abuse begin?

Malik: One night, we were at a club, where I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in like eons! He embraced me, just a friendly hug. Without warning, T.J. pulled the guy off me and dragged me out of the club.

Wyatt: Jesus.

Malik: Oh, yeah. In my apartment, he beat the crap out of me! I had to miss days of work because of the black eye. However, during subsequent beatings, he made sure not to inflict any more visible injuries.

Malik: On top of all that, he dared to blame me for his actions! He’d yell, “It’s all your fault, dammit! You make me do what I do! You’re fuckin’ lucky to have me, considering you’re poz!” And then, he’d force himself on me sexually.

Up Next: Part Three, “The Great Escape & The SVA.”

My website has a special IPV/A section with resources to assist victims and survivors. www.wyattevans.com/ipva/

And if you or someone you know is experiencing Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A), call: