As you recall, my last article for was entitled“Recapturing The ‘Hawtness’ (The HEAT!)”  It was all about how to  

re-inject that spark, that passion, that “FI-YAH!” back into your relationship…your “sex buddy thang”…or “whatevah” you label it.  

      But what happens if that doesn’t work?  

     And to take “thangs” much (much) further, what happens after your relationship has crashed and burned?  How do you move on in a healthy, productive way—and become whole once more? 

     This makes me recall a painful and trying situation that happened almost two years ago.  You see, two special and dear friends of mine (I’ll refer to them as “Tyler” and “Terrance”) permanently ended their monogamous relationship of more than seven years.  Unfortunately for some time, their union had taken quite a few wrong turns.  And subsequently, it hit the skids.     

     Therefore, their eventual derailment didn’t come as a complete surprise or shock to me.  However, what was alarming was the amount of vitriol each spewed towards the other–not to mention the “dirty tricks” played by both sides.  Quite sad, actually.   

     Because I’ve researched and written rather extensively about relationship issues, Tyler and Terrance came to me for counsel and support.  So, allow me to share with you what I shared with them.  

     No matter how a relationship ends, it can be hard to cut emotional ties and move forward.  However, there are many different ways to heal. Writer Krystle Crossman points out the following ones, which I refer to as “The Big Six:” 

  1. Know that it is over. Once that you’ve accepted that the relationship is definitely over, you can begin the healing process and start to move on with your life. 
  1. Allow yourself to feel the pain. If you hold your emotions in and don’t grieve properly, you could be hanging on to lingering feelings and hurting yourself more in the end.  
  1. Learn from it. When a relationship ends, there is a reason. Take the experience and turn it into a positive one by knowing what to look out for with your next relationship, and knowing how to fix a problem when it arises. 
  1. Remind yourself again and again as to why it DID NOT work out. If he cheated on you but you keep thinking that you want to be back with him, just remember what he did every time you look at him.  If you were the cause of the breakup, take that and really think about the damage it did to your relationship, and avoid it with the next one. 
  1. Get out and exercise. It can help relieve the stress of a breakup, and also can get you into shape and feeling better about yourself. Try something new, like Zumba or Crossfit. 
  1. Visualize what you think letting go of the past looks like and then turn it into action. For example, if you think letting go means getting out with your friends and doing something new, then do it. The busier you keep yourself, the less you’ll think about the past relationship, and eventually you’ll forget about the lingering feelings altogether. 

     Neither Tyler nor Terrance has yet to enter into another relationship. Deep down, I believe they both are–as the old cliché goes–“good at heart.”  I hope that one day, each finds the lasting love they so desire…and deserve.